Feeling Defeated By Pain

Pain unfortunately has become a "norm" in my life. As a result of having Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, pain has been something that I have learned to live with. I go about my daily life, and most of the time I don't let the pain get the best of me. 

Because I am bigger then the pain 

Because I refuse to let it take over my life

This weekend however, my pain got the best of me. It hands down defeated me, and I hated it! I am one that has a high tolerance for pain. I don't flinch when someone pokes me with a needle, and it takes a lot for me to want to go to extremes to relieve pain. 

I am at point in my life, where I want to handle my medical needs. I make all my appointments, email the doctors and advocate for what I need. My parents are great and handle all the insurance stuff and accompany me to appointments (it's always nice to have a second pair of ears), but I am at the age where I want to do the rest on my own. However, when things get bad I still need assistance from my parents. After a tearful phone call home to mom and dad, they took it to the next level and called the doctor to see if I could take anything stronger then Advil to relieve the pain. 

I just didn't have it in me to pick up the phone and talk to a doctor 

My pain hasn't got this bad, since I was diagnosed with CRPS. This was more then a traditional "flare up" and the doctor said we had to break the pain cycle. This means hot compresses, using my TENS machine, getting on the bike for at least 5 minutes and using a prescribed pain killer.

The doctor prescribed a pain killer, that was the easiest on my stomach and my mom did all the leg work to ensure that it was gluten-free.  However, with the amount of pain  I was experiencing there was not way I felt I could workout. The pain was making me physically sick! 

Bigger than Me

Usually I can find some inner strength 

But this time, I had nothing left in me 

Trying to focus on something positive

But this time I couldn't find it 

Tears fall

Tears continue to fall

But today 

I had to dig a little deeper 

Doctors orders to try and "normalized my day" 

As much as I could 

I got on the bike 

But it was one of the hardest things I have done 

With each petal stroke 

More pain 

This cycle needs to break 

This medicine needs to kick in 

I need sleep 

I feel defeated 

But

I remind myself 

I am not defeated 

This time the pain just won 

3.25.12

I'm still in so much pain, but I have to keep moving. I have to get the blood flowing to my foot, so that means getting on the bike at least once today. It's honestly taking everything I got. There's no magic cure, no magic pill or procedure that will make this pain better. 

Originally I made a meal plan, but with the pain that I am in now, it's one of those weeks where I feel like I just need to take it hour by hour, so I am going to hold off with the meal plan this week. 

I'm not sure what this day or even this week will bring, but all I know is I have to stay as positive as I possible can. Classes are busy, but I have to do the best to not stress, because this will only escalate the pain. As a result of this "bump in the road" posts this week might be a little inconsistent. 

Right now as I write this

 I am frustrated thinking

 " I take one step forward and a million steps back." 

The pain is preventing me from sleeping

 I need to refocus

Reminding myself of what I am grateful for

My brother  - who went to the gym with me yesterday

My parents who took a three hour drive up on Sunday to give me hugs and bring dinner 

And for the get well card I found this morning on my door, made by my friends.