Pain unfortunately has become a "norm" in my life. As a result of having Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, pain has been something that I have learned to live with. I go about my daily life, and most of the time I don't let the pain get the best of me.
Because I am bigger then the pain
Because I refuse to let it take over my life
This weekend however, my pain got the best of me. It hands down defeated me, and I hated it! I am one that has a high tolerance for pain. I don't flinch when someone pokes me with a needle, and it takes a lot for me to want to go to extremes to relieve pain.
I am at point in my life, where I want to handle my medical needs. I make all my appointments, email the doctors and advocate for what I need. My parents are great and handle all the insurance stuff and accompany me to appointments (it's always nice to have a second pair of ears), but I am at the age where I want to do the rest on my own. However, when things get bad I still need assistance from my parents. After a tearful phone call home to mom and dad, they took it to the next level and called the doctor to see if I could take anything stronger then Advil to relieve the pain.
I just didn't have it in me to pick up the phone and talk to a doctor
My pain hasn't got this bad, since I was diagnosed with CRPS. This was more then a traditional "flare up" and the doctor said we had to break the pain cycle. This means hot compresses, using my TENS machine, getting on the bike for at least 5 minutes and using a prescribed pain killer.
The doctor prescribed a pain killer, that was the easiest on my stomach and my mom did all the leg work to ensure that it was gluten-free. However, with the amount of pain I was experiencing there was not way I felt I could workout. The pain was making me physically sick!
Bigger than Me
Usually I can find some inner strength
But this time, I had nothing left in me
Trying to focus on something positive
But this time I couldn't find it
Tears continue to fall
I had to dig a little deeper
Doctors orders to try and "normalized my day"
As much as I could
I got on the bike
But it was one of the hardest things I have done
With each petal stroke
This cycle needs to break
This medicine needs to kick in
I need sleep
I feel defeated
I remind myself
I am not defeated
This time the pain just won
I'm still in so much pain, but I have to keep moving. I have to get the blood flowing to my foot, so that means getting on the bike at least once today. It's honestly taking everything I got. There's no magic cure, no magic pill or procedure that will make this pain better.
Originally I made a meal plan, but with the pain that I am in now, it's one of those weeks where I feel like I just need to take it hour by hour, so I am going to hold off with the meal plan this week.
I'm not sure what this day or even this week will bring, but all I know is I have to stay as positive as I possible can. Classes are busy, but I have to do the best to not stress, because this will only escalate the pain. As a result of this "bump in the road" posts this week might be a little inconsistent.
Right now as I write this
I am frustrated thinking
" I take one step forward and a million steps back."
The pain is preventing me from sleeping
I need to refocus
Reminding myself of what I am grateful for
My brother - who went to the gym with me yesterday
My parents who took a three hour drive up on Sunday to give me hugs and bring dinner
And for the get well card I found this morning on my door, made by my friends.